I would like to dedicate this blog to my sister-in-law.
Life has so many lessons to teach us everyday, it is literally, as if we get up and go to school every morning. It is up to us just how much we learn and keep with us. If you ask me what I learned in high school, I would really have to sit down and think about it, because it is truly life's lessons that teach us some of the most important things in our life. Then, on occasion, we meet someone that teaches us invaluable lessons. Lessons that not only stay with us, but also are passed down through the generations. My sister in law has also given me a gift of which I am eternally grateful. I am not talking about material possessions that with time fade away or break. I am talking about something priceless. She has taught me so much and given me so much that I feel an obligation to share it with all of you.
She has taught me how to be a better wife, to have a forgiving heart and not hold on to mistakes that our husbands may make, after all, they are only human. To treat him with the respect that he deserves, I expect it so I need to make sure I give it. She showed me that letting them have pride in who they are, their house, wife, kids and job only makes them better, kinder men. She showed me that brow beating only defeats them, makes them feel less than a man and less than human, and that with constant abuse comes the risk of pushing them into the arms of another woman. Of course, I do not now or ever will condone any kind of cheating. Yet I know that if a man cannot find love and companionship at home, he will look elsewhere. She taught me that whenever my husband and I have disagreements, we should discuss and work them out without our children present. That fighting in front of them only hurts and confuses them. Then as they get older, they will learn to use those arguments against us. Not to mention we need to be teaching our kids valuable life lessons, and marriage is one of them. There is no class on marriage; or the effects of a bad marriage on family. She has also taught me to fight fair, no name-calling or bring up past problems. She showed me that if you love your husband, you love his family. If you respect your husband, you respect his family. You do not have to like some of the things they do, but never put your husband in a position where he has to choose. Of course, that does not apply to abuse or physical threats, just your everyday in-laws. Another valuable lesson she taught me is even if I think everything is perfect in your marriage, if your husband asks you to go to counseling with him...GO! After all why wouldn't you go, unless of course you really don't care about your marriage. Just one more thing that I think note worthy is control. No one should control another person, not through threats, physical abuse or manipulation! She made me realize that I fell in love with him, so why would I want to change him. Why take away his hobbies, friends, family, self respect, pride. Why?
The lessons I have learned unfortunately have come at the expense of my brother. Everything mentioned, he has had done to him three fold. I would be lying to say that I am not angry, but then I know that she has taught me who and what NOT to be. She has also shown my kids what not to look for in a spouse. So again, thank you for all the "what not to do" marriage lessons, they have been invaluable.
I also mentioned that she gave me one of the most valuable gifts ever, a priceless gift. She gave me back my brother and my kids their uncle. Ever since he has been away from her, we are all seeing the brother and uncle that used to be; kind, funny, and generous. The only thing he has not gotten back yet is his pride, self-respect and self worth, but with the love from his family, I know he will be fine in time. I know that if nothing else good came from this marriage, it was his beautiful children. I hope that God willing, one day he will find someone who loves him just for him. Then his kids will see what a real marriage looks like, and finally find true happiness in his home.
Thank you.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Lost and All Alone
I met a woman today, actually I have seen her several times and shared the occasional “Hi, how are you?”, but we have never uttered more than a few pleasantries to each other. Yet she has always intrigued me. She comes to yoga class, smiles at everyone, yet never speaks to anyone. I think the reason she caught my eye is that even though she smiles at everyone, her eyes tell a different story. They are the saddest eyes I have ever seen; they are beautiful, yet sad. Her face contradicts her eyes, smiles yet almost a grief. They say you can tell a lot about a person by their eyes. Her eyes told me that she had suffered a loss of some kind, whether it is a divorce or some death. She glanced over at me conscious of my stares; embarrassed I smiled and looked away, yet in that brief moment I felt a small connection.
After class, as we gathered our belongings she approached me and we began to talk. In describing her, she is middle-aged short and plump, yet not fat. She is married and in love has two grown accomplished children, which when she talked about them, pride briefly replaced the sadness in her eyes. After pleasant introductions and exchange of some basic information, we began to talk as if we had been friends forever. She shared different stories of things in her past, some of her proudest moments and some of her not so proud moments. Her life seemed so wonderful to me, she seemed to have it all, yet still her eyes told a different story. That was the story that had always intrigued me, that was the story I wanted to know.
As she began our journey together, her eyes filled with tears, brimming to the top, eventually spilling down her face. She said she was lost; she didn’t know who she was anymore. She said that in her prime, she had goals, hopes and dreams. Goals of helping people in need, dreams of travelling the world in search of adventure and romance and hopes of making a difference in someone’s, anyone’s, life. She said that one day; she woke up and realized that did not recognize herself. Not only had she not accomplished any of her aspirations, but also she had also never felt more alone than at that moment in her life. Family and friends surrounded her, yet not one of them really knew her. They knew the person that she had turned into, the person she played, but not the person she should have grown into. She said that she tried to explain it to her husband one day, but he did not hear her. Instead, he kissed her said everything was fine and that he loved her. She explained how it was as if she was invisible or lost, scared, lonely and screaming for help. Yet no one seemed to see or hear her no matter what she did, no matter how loud she yelled. She was just wandering around aimlessly, alone. I am not going to lie, I cried with her, because many times do people really listen to you, you think they hear you, but instead of listening, they pacify you with advice and words of wisdom. Listening is an art, and it is always overlooked, not remembered as being a valuable asset in people. An asset that I knew I had never really mastered.
She went on to say that at her age, she probably would not get to realize any of those long ago dreams, and it was that realization that left her feeling empty, alone, sad. She knew that she was gone forever, the person that everyone else knew had completely taken over her existence, and that person was a dreamless, unaccomplished, hopeless pod. I knew that I should be telling her that she just needed to pray and trust in the Lord and that she is never too old to do anything she puts her mind to. Giving her words of wisdom and advice, but I just sat there, listening. As I looked closer at her eyes, I saw hope, deep, deep down, but as quickly as it flittered; it laid down just as quick, as if it was too tired to try again.
She then stood up, looked down at me with her sad eyes, smiled, and walked away. She didn’t even say goodbye or even share pleasantries with me. She just walked away, leaving me sitting there feeling all her pain and loneliness. I guess I should have gone after her, but I knew that was not what she needed of me. I had served my purpose. I did not solve or help her with anything, and yet, I was okay with that. Yet if I see her again, I am going to tell her that one of aspirations had been accomplished… she had made a difference in my life, and hopefully, I made a difference in hers, but even if not, I am eternally grateful that she chose me.
Sweet Goals, Hopes and Dreams to everyone, and just listen.
After class, as we gathered our belongings she approached me and we began to talk. In describing her, she is middle-aged short and plump, yet not fat. She is married and in love has two grown accomplished children, which when she talked about them, pride briefly replaced the sadness in her eyes. After pleasant introductions and exchange of some basic information, we began to talk as if we had been friends forever. She shared different stories of things in her past, some of her proudest moments and some of her not so proud moments. Her life seemed so wonderful to me, she seemed to have it all, yet still her eyes told a different story. That was the story that had always intrigued me, that was the story I wanted to know.
As she began our journey together, her eyes filled with tears, brimming to the top, eventually spilling down her face. She said she was lost; she didn’t know who she was anymore. She said that in her prime, she had goals, hopes and dreams. Goals of helping people in need, dreams of travelling the world in search of adventure and romance and hopes of making a difference in someone’s, anyone’s, life. She said that one day; she woke up and realized that did not recognize herself. Not only had she not accomplished any of her aspirations, but also she had also never felt more alone than at that moment in her life. Family and friends surrounded her, yet not one of them really knew her. They knew the person that she had turned into, the person she played, but not the person she should have grown into. She said that she tried to explain it to her husband one day, but he did not hear her. Instead, he kissed her said everything was fine and that he loved her. She explained how it was as if she was invisible or lost, scared, lonely and screaming for help. Yet no one seemed to see or hear her no matter what she did, no matter how loud she yelled. She was just wandering around aimlessly, alone. I am not going to lie, I cried with her, because many times do people really listen to you, you think they hear you, but instead of listening, they pacify you with advice and words of wisdom. Listening is an art, and it is always overlooked, not remembered as being a valuable asset in people. An asset that I knew I had never really mastered.
She went on to say that at her age, she probably would not get to realize any of those long ago dreams, and it was that realization that left her feeling empty, alone, sad. She knew that she was gone forever, the person that everyone else knew had completely taken over her existence, and that person was a dreamless, unaccomplished, hopeless pod. I knew that I should be telling her that she just needed to pray and trust in the Lord and that she is never too old to do anything she puts her mind to. Giving her words of wisdom and advice, but I just sat there, listening. As I looked closer at her eyes, I saw hope, deep, deep down, but as quickly as it flittered; it laid down just as quick, as if it was too tired to try again.
She then stood up, looked down at me with her sad eyes, smiled, and walked away. She didn’t even say goodbye or even share pleasantries with me. She just walked away, leaving me sitting there feeling all her pain and loneliness. I guess I should have gone after her, but I knew that was not what she needed of me. I had served my purpose. I did not solve or help her with anything, and yet, I was okay with that. Yet if I see her again, I am going to tell her that one of aspirations had been accomplished… she had made a difference in my life, and hopefully, I made a difference in hers, but even if not, I am eternally grateful that she chose me.
Sweet Goals, Hopes and Dreams to everyone, and just listen.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sugar and Spice and Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails
Tonight as I sit down to blog, it is because I am filled with emotion that has no where to go. It just mounts up inside and then it's like a volcano as it errupts and bubbles over. I wanted to blog about sons, which is something that has been on my mind for the past few days, but tonight, I want to bring daughters up too. But first let me start with sons;
I'll never forget the day that we found out that we were having a boy. Dave and I were brimming with excitement, we already had a girl, so this would round our family out perfectly. Of course Jessica didn't exactly feel the same way, she cried and cried. She wanted a sister, someone to play school and dress up with, a friend. Little did she know that one day her brother would become her best friend. I remember worrying that I wouldn't be capable of loving another child as much as I loved Jessica, but the moment he was born I knew my heart would always be big enough. Zach and I were inseparable, he was a momma's boy for sure. I would look at him and my heart would melt, he could make me laugh one second and cry the next. Of course he loved to irritate his sister and she loved to tell on him, but all in all life was good. David kept telling me that I should enjoy him while I can, cause one day, he wouldn't be my little boy, but Dave just didn't know the connection that Zach and I had. But he was right, one day came and Zach grew up. He grew closer to his dad and he and his sister finally became best friends, but as for me, well I was now the enemy. He looked at me with such contempt, it was as if I had dreamed the first 12 years of his life. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, he wanted nothing to do with me. If I even came close to him, he would step back, like I had the plague. I can't tell you the nights that I would lie in bed and cry myself to sleep. I knew he wasn't my little boy anymore, but I was still his mother, I would lay my life down for my kids, yet to Zach I was the thing he despised. Of course it has gotten better with time, he is turning 18 this week and has turned into a wonderful young man. Someone I am so proud of, he is who I always dreamed he would be. Yet I still occasionally catch that look in his eyes, the look that cuts me deep to the core. I know that one day he will look at me with love and respect, but it still is not quite there. When we are alone together the silence is deafening. He is still the one person who can make me laugh one second...and cry the next. As I was reflecting on this I am reminded of how much God loves us, yet we continue to ignore and disappoint him. But he never gives up on us, his love is steadfast, and as Zach reminded us in church today, never changing. So I am still waiting for the tears of sadness to be replaced with tears of laughter, I am patient and I will never give up, I am his mother and he is my son.
Jessica on the other hand is my little rainbow, beautiful with lots of different colors, and full of promise. But we all know that to get a rainbow there has to be a little rain. Most of Jessica's rain comes from people in her life that have disappointed her. When she was younger not much kept her down, she has a way of bringing light into almost any situation. I believe it is a gift from God. Her smile can make even the darkest days seem brighter. There have been only a few people in her life that have been able to dim her light, and even then, they may dim it for a while, but it will never go out. She brings more glory to God than anyone I know. As she gets older I see her looking for that one person to share her life with, not that she's ready to get married, yet she is ready to find "him." Some of that stems from her friends finding boyfriends, getting married and having babies. I understand that, I remember being her age and feeling....ready. I guess I just want her to not rush it. God will bring her someone that is just perfect for her, and it will be in His timing. Sometimes when we rush things, we find ourselves out of God's will for us. I know that someday soon, she is going to find that one person that takes her breath away, and he will look at her as if she was the only person in the room. He will be the man in her dreams that was always there, yet she couldn't quiet see his face. It will be then that all those other rain storms will reveal their purpose, cause every person in our lives teaches us something, and in every persons life, some rain must fall. But after the rain comes the rainbow, beautiful, bright and full of different colors. Sound familiar?
I love my kids and feel honoured that God gave me loaner ship of them, and with good comes some bad. But I would not trade one moment of their lives for anything. I know all this sounds a little corny, but really when it comes to our kids aren't we all a little corny? I really don't know the point to this whole blog other than, like I said, I was overflowing. Maybe this will help a mother struggling with some of the same problems, and maybe Jessica will read this and know how much I love and admire her. Either way I feel better just getting it all off my chest. So here's to tears of joy and beautiful rainbows.
See ya next time.
I'll never forget the day that we found out that we were having a boy. Dave and I were brimming with excitement, we already had a girl, so this would round our family out perfectly. Of course Jessica didn't exactly feel the same way, she cried and cried. She wanted a sister, someone to play school and dress up with, a friend. Little did she know that one day her brother would become her best friend. I remember worrying that I wouldn't be capable of loving another child as much as I loved Jessica, but the moment he was born I knew my heart would always be big enough. Zach and I were inseparable, he was a momma's boy for sure. I would look at him and my heart would melt, he could make me laugh one second and cry the next. Of course he loved to irritate his sister and she loved to tell on him, but all in all life was good. David kept telling me that I should enjoy him while I can, cause one day, he wouldn't be my little boy, but Dave just didn't know the connection that Zach and I had. But he was right, one day came and Zach grew up. He grew closer to his dad and he and his sister finally became best friends, but as for me, well I was now the enemy. He looked at me with such contempt, it was as if I had dreamed the first 12 years of his life. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, he wanted nothing to do with me. If I even came close to him, he would step back, like I had the plague. I can't tell you the nights that I would lie in bed and cry myself to sleep. I knew he wasn't my little boy anymore, but I was still his mother, I would lay my life down for my kids, yet to Zach I was the thing he despised. Of course it has gotten better with time, he is turning 18 this week and has turned into a wonderful young man. Someone I am so proud of, he is who I always dreamed he would be. Yet I still occasionally catch that look in his eyes, the look that cuts me deep to the core. I know that one day he will look at me with love and respect, but it still is not quite there. When we are alone together the silence is deafening. He is still the one person who can make me laugh one second...and cry the next. As I was reflecting on this I am reminded of how much God loves us, yet we continue to ignore and disappoint him. But he never gives up on us, his love is steadfast, and as Zach reminded us in church today, never changing. So I am still waiting for the tears of sadness to be replaced with tears of laughter, I am patient and I will never give up, I am his mother and he is my son.
Jessica on the other hand is my little rainbow, beautiful with lots of different colors, and full of promise. But we all know that to get a rainbow there has to be a little rain. Most of Jessica's rain comes from people in her life that have disappointed her. When she was younger not much kept her down, she has a way of bringing light into almost any situation. I believe it is a gift from God. Her smile can make even the darkest days seem brighter. There have been only a few people in her life that have been able to dim her light, and even then, they may dim it for a while, but it will never go out. She brings more glory to God than anyone I know. As she gets older I see her looking for that one person to share her life with, not that she's ready to get married, yet she is ready to find "him." Some of that stems from her friends finding boyfriends, getting married and having babies. I understand that, I remember being her age and feeling....ready. I guess I just want her to not rush it. God will bring her someone that is just perfect for her, and it will be in His timing. Sometimes when we rush things, we find ourselves out of God's will for us. I know that someday soon, she is going to find that one person that takes her breath away, and he will look at her as if she was the only person in the room. He will be the man in her dreams that was always there, yet she couldn't quiet see his face. It will be then that all those other rain storms will reveal their purpose, cause every person in our lives teaches us something, and in every persons life, some rain must fall. But after the rain comes the rainbow, beautiful, bright and full of different colors. Sound familiar?
I love my kids and feel honoured that God gave me loaner ship of them, and with good comes some bad. But I would not trade one moment of their lives for anything. I know all this sounds a little corny, but really when it comes to our kids aren't we all a little corny? I really don't know the point to this whole blog other than, like I said, I was overflowing. Maybe this will help a mother struggling with some of the same problems, and maybe Jessica will read this and know how much I love and admire her. Either way I feel better just getting it all off my chest. So here's to tears of joy and beautiful rainbows.
See ya next time.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
God is Amazing!
Wow, it seems like forever since I've blogged, and so much has happened in that time-span that it would take me several blogs to cover everything. So I'm not going to hash over things of the past few weeks. Although I will tell you that we, my kids and husband, just got back from Clearwater Florida. I don't know if words have been invented to describe just how beautiful it is down there. There were moments that I just sat in awe, how anyone could doubt God's existence and look at the beauty there, is just beyond me. I packed my Ipod so that I could lay on the beach and listen to relaxing music, except whats more relaxing than the sound of the waves splashing on the shore. So I never even took my Ipod out once, I just enjoyed God's music. I was born and raised in Colorado, another beautiful state, but I think that I was born to live on the beach.
We set up our cabana so that when you needed shade, you could sit under it, so after getting my share of sun, I would just lay under the cabana, on a blanket and I swear to you, the world stood still. My thoughts became clearer, my worries disappeared, and my time with God became more personal. I really can't explain why, except that God opened all my senses to be more aware of His Love for me and this world. That's not to say that once home all that was just gone, of course they were there, just not as clear.
I guess vacations are meant for relaxing and forgetting, but maybe we should listen to ourselves. If we feel closer to God and are more in touch with our selves on the beach, maybe we should find a way to move closer to that. I for one would have no problem picking up and moving to the beach. I know that there is problems there too, but for me, if I got overwhelmed with stress I could just spend an hour or two on the beach and clear my head. I am so grateful for the time that I had there and don't want to sound unhappy to be home, but I am unhappy to be home, remember I live in Missouri. There is nothing about this state that I love, other than my family.
It always takes me a while to accept the fact that I'm back in Misery, and the sad thing is that I will eventually give up on hope and take a back seat to hopelessness. As you can tell I'm still in my hope mode, soon enough you'll hear me hop in the back seat. I will grieve the loss and you will grieve with me, because you all love me, but then I'll hop into anger and then eventually slide over into acceptance.
I just need to win the lottery so that I could move my family back to the beach. I mean my whole family, Dave, Jess, Zach, mom, pooh, Donnie, Mike, Nick, Hunter, Gary, McKenna, Garrett, (we would leave the witch behind. lol!)( I was kind with the witch comment,) Wouldn't life me grand! But until I win the lottery, we are where we are. I love you all and wish we all could have been laying on the beach appreciating God...one day.
We set up our cabana so that when you needed shade, you could sit under it, so after getting my share of sun, I would just lay under the cabana, on a blanket and I swear to you, the world stood still. My thoughts became clearer, my worries disappeared, and my time with God became more personal. I really can't explain why, except that God opened all my senses to be more aware of His Love for me and this world. That's not to say that once home all that was just gone, of course they were there, just not as clear.
I guess vacations are meant for relaxing and forgetting, but maybe we should listen to ourselves. If we feel closer to God and are more in touch with our selves on the beach, maybe we should find a way to move closer to that. I for one would have no problem picking up and moving to the beach. I know that there is problems there too, but for me, if I got overwhelmed with stress I could just spend an hour or two on the beach and clear my head. I am so grateful for the time that I had there and don't want to sound unhappy to be home, but I am unhappy to be home, remember I live in Missouri. There is nothing about this state that I love, other than my family.
It always takes me a while to accept the fact that I'm back in Misery, and the sad thing is that I will eventually give up on hope and take a back seat to hopelessness. As you can tell I'm still in my hope mode, soon enough you'll hear me hop in the back seat. I will grieve the loss and you will grieve with me, because you all love me, but then I'll hop into anger and then eventually slide over into acceptance.
I just need to win the lottery so that I could move my family back to the beach. I mean my whole family, Dave, Jess, Zach, mom, pooh, Donnie, Mike, Nick, Hunter, Gary, McKenna, Garrett, (we would leave the witch behind. lol!)( I was kind with the witch comment,) Wouldn't life me grand! But until I win the lottery, we are where we are. I love you all and wish we all could have been laying on the beach appreciating God...one day.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Siblings by birth...friends by choice.
Brothers and sisters. Such a complicated relationship. Growing up it seems as if the fighting will never end, but then one day the person you have claimed to hate and despise, is your best friend. I heard once that your siblings are the only people you will know you from birth to death, and it's true. In a balanced world parents will not out live their children, so they may be with you at birth, but hopefully not death. But your sister or brother are there from the beginning to the end. They know every sordid detail of your childhood, if fact they probably used some of it at one time or another, to blackmail you. I have a brother and a sister so I have experience with both ends of these relationships.
A brother when your younger is just a source of constant irritation. In my house you could tell which sport he was playing by whether he tackled, pinned or pretended to plow you down as he went for the final and game winning lay up. Of course I also took great pleasure in showing him up during our many 50 yard dash races. Plus I suppose it would be fair to say that there where times when I purposely tried to rattle his chains in one way or another. But unfortunately there came the day that not only did he start winning those races, but rattling his chain became risky considering he became quite a bit taller than me. I'll never forget the shock of knowing he was no longer my "little" brother. Yet with time he became more than a brother, he became a friend. Someone I trusted and loved very much, and even though he was younger than me, at times he seemed to be the older, wiser one. He has been there for me when times were pretty bad, even seemed hopeless. He held my hand and lead me to the other side of despair. Yea, having a brother has been one of the many joys in my life and I love him very much.
I also have a sister. She is nine years younger than me and let me tell you, when you are a pre-teen there is nothing you want less than to have to babysit or change diapers. So I guess there was a little resentment there for a while. I can honestly say that I was not a very good sister to her when she was younger, in fact I'm not sure if I have lived up to the "Big Sister" title yet. It's funny because most of the time I was just mean to her, until my brother picked on her, then I came running to defender her. She grew up alone most of the time, although my brother was there for her more than I. I think he felt as if he needed to be big brother and father all in one. I think for the most part he did a pretty good job. As my sister and I grew up we became friends, no...best friends. She actually plays the part of older sister more than I, giving me advice and listening to me when I just need to be heard. She recently had open heart surgery and I have never been so scared in all my life. I just couldn't imagine my life without her and thankfully I won't have to. I got the opportunity afterwards to take care of her, to do the things I wished I'd done when she was younger. But through it all, she still is the one who taught me lessons of life. I learned of strength, courage and determination, she was all those things and more. She is my best friend and I love her very much.
We are all older now and when we all get together we can laugh at the things of the past. We laugh at good times, bad times and we even find some humor in the sad times. Laughter is our way of loving and living some crazy times. Both my brother and sister have brought so much into my life, I can't imagine a life without either of them. Although we are brother and sister to one another, we are also sooo much more. We are there for each other, we listen when needed and give advice when needed. We love each others kids like our own and take pride and joy in watching all our kids succeed in life. We pray for each other and our families and would be there in a heart beat if needed. We are fiercely protective of each other and all our kids, so don't cross or hurt any of us. We still occasionally have little arguments now and then, but they last only briefly. I honestly don't know how people who are not in relationships with their sibling make it through life. My brother and sister are my past, present and my future. I am grateful that in those early years, we didn't mame or kill each other, because they are my best friends and I love my brother and my sister...my best friends of past, present and future.
A brother when your younger is just a source of constant irritation. In my house you could tell which sport he was playing by whether he tackled, pinned or pretended to plow you down as he went for the final and game winning lay up. Of course I also took great pleasure in showing him up during our many 50 yard dash races. Plus I suppose it would be fair to say that there where times when I purposely tried to rattle his chains in one way or another. But unfortunately there came the day that not only did he start winning those races, but rattling his chain became risky considering he became quite a bit taller than me. I'll never forget the shock of knowing he was no longer my "little" brother. Yet with time he became more than a brother, he became a friend. Someone I trusted and loved very much, and even though he was younger than me, at times he seemed to be the older, wiser one. He has been there for me when times were pretty bad, even seemed hopeless. He held my hand and lead me to the other side of despair. Yea, having a brother has been one of the many joys in my life and I love him very much.
I also have a sister. She is nine years younger than me and let me tell you, when you are a pre-teen there is nothing you want less than to have to babysit or change diapers. So I guess there was a little resentment there for a while. I can honestly say that I was not a very good sister to her when she was younger, in fact I'm not sure if I have lived up to the "Big Sister" title yet. It's funny because most of the time I was just mean to her, until my brother picked on her, then I came running to defender her. She grew up alone most of the time, although my brother was there for her more than I. I think he felt as if he needed to be big brother and father all in one. I think for the most part he did a pretty good job. As my sister and I grew up we became friends, no...best friends. She actually plays the part of older sister more than I, giving me advice and listening to me when I just need to be heard. She recently had open heart surgery and I have never been so scared in all my life. I just couldn't imagine my life without her and thankfully I won't have to. I got the opportunity afterwards to take care of her, to do the things I wished I'd done when she was younger. But through it all, she still is the one who taught me lessons of life. I learned of strength, courage and determination, she was all those things and more. She is my best friend and I love her very much.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Time After Time
Hey, it's been awhile since I last blogged, but a lot has gone on since then. My daughter graduated college, my mom came for a visit and Jess and I are in Colorado for a heart walk with my mom and sister. Crazy I know! I want to share this dream I had with you, which incidentally I've noticed several people taking about this subject, what do you think that means? In my dream God came to me, at the time I was younger, like 12. He told me that He was going to give me 10 moments throughout my life that I could mark and then before I died He would let me relive them. Now this seemed like an easy and exciting task to me, after all surely there would be 10 things in my life worth reliving, right? So as I lived my life I marked different events in my life, careful not to waste them. Naturally being young even the simplest events seen important, but I was still fairly picky. As I got older I picked more sensible events such as my wedding day, the days my kids were born, I even marked the day my husband and I bought our first house. The day that I used my last day I turned 40 years old, who knew there was life after 40! But finally on my last days, the Lord appeared and told me it was time to revisit those special days. At first it was rather fun watching back on the days I deemed the most important days of my first 40 years of life. I laughed at my ignorance of a 12 year old, I smiled on my wedding day, and I cried as I watch both of my children brought into this world. After it was over I was thankful for the gift the Lord had given me, yet afterwards I relived some other memories in my mind that seemed equally or even more important. Things that at the time they didn't seem worth reliving, but you know what they say about hindsight. Things like a day when your two year old son falls asleep next to you, and as you lay there, you realize that you could watch him for hours. Watching as his little chest rises and falls, with the occasional dream smile, knowing that he is dreaming of some great adventure. Or the day when your daughter, after watching The Little Mermaid seven times in a row, climbs on your laps and tells you she loves you and in going to marry her daddy and live with us forever. When your younger that may not be a day you would pick as reliving, but when your older you know those are the moments that make life worth living.
That's the funny thing about time, your perspective changes as often as time changes. I think the older we get the more little things become important to us. Time is also very crafty, have you noticed how when your younger time seems to go soooo slow, you can't wait for so much of your life to happen. You can't wait to drive, you can't wait to turn 18, then 21. You can't wait to get married and have kids. Then we can't wait for our kids to crawl, take their first steps, start school. But then somewhere along the line, time starts speeding up. Suddenly you can't believe how old your kids are, how old you are. Then their graduating high school, college, getting married, having their own kids. All you want is to slow time down so that you can enjoy each and every moment. Wishing you could really go back and relive all the important moments in your life. Of course we know that time stops for no one, and plays tricks on the young and the old. Of course when I woke up I thanked God for reminding me to appreciate the beautiful things in my life and to not take them for granted. To always remember everyday is a day worth marking important, after all we make our own moments special, and should always be grateful for God's gift of time.
That's the funny thing about time, your perspective changes as often as time changes. I think the older we get the more little things become important to us. Time is also very crafty, have you noticed how when your younger time seems to go soooo slow, you can't wait for so much of your life to happen. You can't wait to drive, you can't wait to turn 18, then 21. You can't wait to get married and have kids. Then we can't wait for our kids to crawl, take their first steps, start school. But then somewhere along the line, time starts speeding up. Suddenly you can't believe how old your kids are, how old you are. Then their graduating high school, college, getting married, having their own kids. All you want is to slow time down so that you can enjoy each and every moment. Wishing you could really go back and relive all the important moments in your life. Of course we know that time stops for no one, and plays tricks on the young and the old. Of course when I woke up I thanked God for reminding me to appreciate the beautiful things in my life and to not take them for granted. To always remember everyday is a day worth marking important, after all we make our own moments special, and should always be grateful for God's gift of time.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Is that the sound of time flying?!
I know it's been awhile, but things have just been crazy! Between Zach's golf stuff and Jessica's graduation, I've been keeping busy. But I wanted to stop and take a minute to catch up, especially since things are about to get even busier as Graduation and State Golf get closer and closer. I ran up to Ste. Gen today and met Jessica and Erica, Jess's best friend, and got to see Erica's engagement ring. It was beautiful and it was fun to sit and listen to the girls and their excitement. Talking about wedding and bridesmaids dresses, reception halls, just wedding preparations...it was really cool. Yet I couldn't help feel a little sadness in my heart. These two girls have been best friends for what seems like forever. They have shared ups and downs in each others lives, cried many tears and giggled at things that no one, but they would understand. They have their own language, to some it's foreign, but not them, it's their history. I will never forget that New Year's Eve that they stayed up all night in the bathtub of the hotel room, talking, laughing, no giggling. They have been there for each others major breakups and now Jessica will stand up for Erica as she starts a new chapter in her life. As parents we know they're are only in the beginning chapters of their lives. We know that there will be alot of new chapters, some happy, some sad. All we can do is pray that for each of them this will be a long and happy book.
Although the sadness that I feel isn't for any of the above, no that's just part of their journey together. It's watching two little girls growing up and away. I know that's the way God intended it, but it's still a little sad to me. Yet ,whenever they stay the night here, late into the night, when everyone else is asleep, I still hear the sweet sound of their laughter and although I haven't yet mastered it, I hear their foreign language. Awwwww life is good.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!!!!
You know I wanted to have followers and I do love it, but it's kind of weird to have them when not everything is hunky dory. I don't mind sharing the good, but the bad and the ugly...that's a whole different story. I think part of that is that all of my followers are family and friends, and sometimes it just helps to write things down , but I don't necessarily want everyone to know just how bad I'm feeling. Also sometimes it just nice to get things off your chest, but you really don't want anyone to fix things. Not to mention when part of your problem stems around the people you love, you don't want them to feel bad, you just ,need to feel better. Well, I suppose the truth is, not even my followers read my blog everyday, so here goes nothing.
Have you ever had just a terrible day, that keeps going day after day, after day? Guess what...that is exactly where I am right now. Life has a way of not letting you stay up too long, which I know, so I really shouldn't be suprised . I have been feeling pretty good about myself, which has really been an uphill battle. There was a time not too long ago that I pretty much gave up on myself. My health was not good, my weight was at an all time high, and I questioned my place in my family and in life in general. But my wonderful husband never gave up on me, he never yelled, he never even got mad. He just reassured me that I was important and that everything would be ok. Slowly, I have worked at building myself back into a person that I will recognize one day. As you all have been witness to, I have started to diet, workout, feel like my old self, at least until yesterday. Without getting into too much detail, my day started with getting chewed out and then later I was totally berated. I walked thru the rest of the day, just praying that I could hold in the tears until I was home in my bed. Guess what...I almost made it. But the minute Dave asked me what was wrong, it was over, the control that is. I felt like I was so low that dirt kicked my butt. Yet after a night of tears and fears I got up and went to yoga. Hey believe me when I tell you that is huge for me. Of course the minute I got out of class I had a message that kicked me right back down. I guess I have just come to realize that I can please NO ONE. I know that I am not the most responsible or the most spiritual. I know that I can be impulsive and impossible. I know that I'm not the smartest or the most attractive, heck lets be honest, I'm morbidly obese. I even know that I am not a great friend, mother or wife. But I've also come to realize that I can't do anything about most of those, it's just the dish that God served me. But the things I can change...I'm trying. But the fact is I am just not going to please everyone, in fact, as previously stated I'm finding out that I can please NO ONE. Anyway that's my story and if it seems to you that I am having a pity party, well maybe I am, but the good news is, I didn't invite anyone to my party, it's just the price you have to pay for being a follower. So if the next time I log on and all my followers are gone, I'll understand, and don't worry I'll still love everyone of you. I just pray that you will all be understanding of me even as I fail to meet up to your expectations. Hopefully tomorrow will bring brighter days, and my party will be over. Until then....
Love ya
Have you ever had just a terrible day, that keeps going day after day, after day? Guess what...that is exactly where I am right now. Life has a way of not letting you stay up too long, which I know, so I really shouldn't be suprised . I have been feeling pretty good about myself, which has really been an uphill battle. There was a time not too long ago that I pretty much gave up on myself. My health was not good, my weight was at an all time high, and I questioned my place in my family and in life in general. But my wonderful husband never gave up on me, he never yelled, he never even got mad. He just reassured me that I was important and that everything would be ok. Slowly, I have worked at building myself back into a person that I will recognize one day. As you all have been witness to, I have started to diet, workout, feel like my old self, at least until yesterday. Without getting into too much detail, my day started with getting chewed out and then later I was totally berated. I walked thru the rest of the day, just praying that I could hold in the tears until I was home in my bed. Guess what...I almost made it. But the minute Dave asked me what was wrong, it was over, the control that is. I felt like I was so low that dirt kicked my butt. Yet after a night of tears and fears I got up and went to yoga. Hey believe me when I tell you that is huge for me. Of course the minute I got out of class I had a message that kicked me right back down. I guess I have just come to realize that I can please NO ONE. I know that I am not the most responsible or the most spiritual. I know that I can be impulsive and impossible. I know that I'm not the smartest or the most attractive, heck lets be honest, I'm morbidly obese. I even know that I am not a great friend, mother or wife. But I've also come to realize that I can't do anything about most of those, it's just the dish that God served me. But the things I can change...I'm trying. But the fact is I am just not going to please everyone, in fact, as previously stated I'm finding out that I can please NO ONE. Anyway that's my story and if it seems to you that I am having a pity party, well maybe I am, but the good news is, I didn't invite anyone to my party, it's just the price you have to pay for being a follower. So if the next time I log on and all my followers are gone, I'll understand, and don't worry I'll still love everyone of you. I just pray that you will all be understanding of me even as I fail to meet up to your expectations. Hopefully tomorrow will bring brighter days, and my party will be over. Until then....
Love ya
Thursday, April 29, 2010
YOGA
Yoga I believe, is actually an acronym:
Y-Yikes O-Ouch G-Groan A-Again???!!!
Yoga, what can I say about Yoga? Well I can tell you this, the word itself is very deceiving. When most people think of Yoga they image stretching, breathing, relaxing. Which is part of it, but what I found out today is that it should also include; SWEATING! I actually had sweat dripping off my nose. It was really nothing like I envisioned it, I actually thought it was going to be a breeze, but you work your core. I have always had a weak core, even when I was thinner I was muscle weak. When you are doing these stretches you work muscles that you forgot were there. Plus you hold each stretch for several minutes, my legs were shaking. Of course most of the men and women that were there had been doing it for a while and were very flexible. I kind of looked like a 747 trying to land on a pond, huge and awkward. But I struggled through it and in the end actually enjoyed it, in fact if I can walk tomorrow I just might go again. Balance plays a key part in yoga too, you not only need physical balance, but inner balance. And believe me, having both is tricky. I know that yoga also includes meditation, which in my case was prayer. How awesome it was to find myself in a place where I was so focused that praying felt very intimate.
The question that I have is, what is the right balance when it comes to exercise? I've read that you need cardio at least three days a week, but you also need weights to lose weight. Plus I do my risqué water aerobics class and now yoga. I want to do the most to maximize my weight lose, yet I am 48 and overweight so I don't want to over do it. After all in the last few months, I've had problems with my hip, I hurt my back, I pulled a chest muscle, I strained my side muscles and rib cage. So ya see that balance thing I was talking about it not my strong suit.
Anyone with any suggestions on how to achieve that balance I would be grateful .
I also want to take a moment and congratulate my daughter, she did get the GA position and will be working at the school while also working towards her masters at Lindenwood. Jessica you are an amazing young woman and such a blessing. I love you very much and just couldn't be prouder of you.
Love ya
Y-Yikes O-Ouch G-Groan A-Again???!!!
Yoga, what can I say about Yoga? Well I can tell you this, the word itself is very deceiving. When most people think of Yoga they image stretching, breathing, relaxing. Which is part of it, but what I found out today is that it should also include; SWEATING! I actually had sweat dripping off my nose. It was really nothing like I envisioned it, I actually thought it was going to be a breeze, but you work your core. I have always had a weak core, even when I was thinner I was muscle weak. When you are doing these stretches you work muscles that you forgot were there. Plus you hold each stretch for several minutes, my legs were shaking. Of course most of the men and women that were there had been doing it for a while and were very flexible. I kind of looked like a 747 trying to land on a pond, huge and awkward. But I struggled through it and in the end actually enjoyed it, in fact if I can walk tomorrow I just might go again. Balance plays a key part in yoga too, you not only need physical balance, but inner balance. And believe me, having both is tricky. I know that yoga also includes meditation, which in my case was prayer. How awesome it was to find myself in a place where I was so focused that praying felt very intimate.
The question that I have is, what is the right balance when it comes to exercise? I've read that you need cardio at least three days a week, but you also need weights to lose weight. Plus I do my risqué water aerobics class and now yoga. I want to do the most to maximize my weight lose, yet I am 48 and overweight so I don't want to over do it. After all in the last few months, I've had problems with my hip, I hurt my back, I pulled a chest muscle, I strained my side muscles and rib cage. So ya see that balance thing I was talking about it not my strong suit.
Anyone with any suggestions on how to achieve that balance I would be grateful .
I also want to take a moment and congratulate my daughter, she did get the GA position and will be working at the school while also working towards her masters at Lindenwood. Jessica you are an amazing young woman and such a blessing. I love you very much and just couldn't be prouder of you.
Love ya
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Hey, anyone got a back scratcher!!!
Sooooo today was torture! I reallllly didn't want to go work out. I just have those days sometimes, days where I would do anything other than work out. I would even rather clean house than workout!! But I made myself get in the car and start driving towards Cape. Of course I didn't make it, I decided that I needed to tan. So I went in talked to the girl there, tanned and wasted as much time as I could. Then I thought,"hey Luana you should go by Barnes and Noble and check out their audio books." Of course I did counter back, "Luana you really need to workout today. Besides look at yourself, you can't go into a store...you look like a slob." Hey looks aren't everything! But then the phone rang and it was my sister. There she was huffing and puffing, working out like a dog, and she just had open heart surgery in January! So, she inspired me to head to the gym and workout. Naturally after I was done I was so glad that I went, my sister saved the day. So this whole started me thinking, dangerous I know, but we all need some inspiration sometimes. We all need some girl time too. I don't know about anybody else, but I love my husband with all my heart, yet there are some needs he just can't satisfy, sorry babe. That need is so strong sometimes and other times it's just an annoyance, nevertheless it's there. It's like an itch you can't reach, oddly enough only another woman can reach. Don't worry I'm not getting kinky, I think that itch is just suppressed so far down that we don't even recognize it. But before we were all married happily, we had girl friends. Friends that we went out with, went to the mall or a movie with, heck, they even went to the bathroom with us. They knew our deepest secrets and we knew theirs, just in case if you know what I mean, and life was good! There was know one like our besties...until we met HIM. He came into our lives and everything changed. Suddenly, he went everywhere with me, we went out on dates, to the movies, yes even the mall, although he didn't watch me pee...yet. He now knew my deepest secrets and desires and I knew his, life was great! We still kept in touch with our friends, but we both just wanted to spend every waking moment together, he was even mushy and romantic...aahhhhhh those were the days!
Then we got married and had kids, now don't get me wrong life is still great, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But he doesn't want to go out on dates or the movies anymore, and forget the mall! Yet he still knows my deepest secrets and desires, and he does walk in on me peeing sometimes, so do the kids and pets for that matter. But romantic encounters are few and far between. So where are those besties? Well if you're lucky enough to have a sister as a bestie, then she'll always there, but the rest have moved on and started their own happy family. It's just the nature of the beast, not bestie. So what's my point? I really kinda forgot...oh yea, no matter how busy our lives get, how broke we are or how exhausted we are, pick up a phone and call a friend. LEAVE YOUR HOUSE AND FAMILY, let me repeat this one, LEAVE YOUR HOUSE AND FAMILY! Just for an hour, heck even thirty minutes and reconnect with a friend. We tend to lose ourselves in marriage and family, but if we don't break away, for just a short time, we might just disappear. Either that or we'll drive ourselves crazy look for a back scratcher! We as women need other women around. To listen to us, laugh with us, cry with us. There are just somethings that only a woman would understand, there's that itch. So to all my besties, thank you for listening, caring, and just being my friend. Sister you always have and always will be my inspiration. Thank you for encouraging me to go to the gym. Also thanks for getting rid of that darn itch.
Love ya
Then we got married and had kids, now don't get me wrong life is still great, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But he doesn't want to go out on dates or the movies anymore, and forget the mall! Yet he still knows my deepest secrets and desires, and he does walk in on me peeing sometimes, so do the kids and pets for that matter. But romantic encounters are few and far between. So where are those besties? Well if you're lucky enough to have a sister as a bestie, then she'll always there, but the rest have moved on and started their own happy family. It's just the nature of the beast, not bestie. So what's my point? I really kinda forgot...oh yea, no matter how busy our lives get, how broke we are or how exhausted we are, pick up a phone and call a friend. LEAVE YOUR HOUSE AND FAMILY, let me repeat this one, LEAVE YOUR HOUSE AND FAMILY! Just for an hour, heck even thirty minutes and reconnect with a friend. We tend to lose ourselves in marriage and family, but if we don't break away, for just a short time, we might just disappear. Either that or we'll drive ourselves crazy look for a back scratcher! We as women need other women around. To listen to us, laugh with us, cry with us. There are just somethings that only a woman would understand, there's that itch. So to all my besties, thank you for listening, caring, and just being my friend. Sister you always have and always will be my inspiration. Thank you for encouraging me to go to the gym. Also thanks for getting rid of that darn itch.
Love ya
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Shinning Star.
Today was rather interesting, of course along with interesting comes humiliation. I guess I'll start at the beginning:
I woke up excited about the day, it was my Water Aerobics Class today. I have been going about six weeks and have thoroughly enjoyed it. Although, when I first checked into the class I was a little apprehensive, you see I'm 48 years old... and the youngest in my class. Now don't get me wrong, I love elderly people, in fact one day I plan on being one, but I wanted to make sure that to get a good workout. Which has honestly been the case, you can work hard or as little as you want. When I first started I felt a little out of place, even a little awkward. I didn't know the movements that our instructor would call out and I even had to be shown a move that I was doing wrong. But after a couple classes I not only got the hang of it, but I became the star pupil. Also the other people in the class, men and women, warmed up to the idea of having a youngster in the class. I love the thought of someone thinking of me as a youngster!! Now with that information you can see why I was excited, it was my time to shine! Well I was running a little late and of course we all know that whenever you run late, anything that can happen, will happen, and that was the case with me today. But I do finally make it and they had already started when I jumped in, but I easily caught up and everything settled down. Now remember I told you that you can work as hard as you want or as little, and when I go I try to work hard. So there I am working hard and just being a shinning example when the instructor said "Anyone who wants to get a good workout, follow Luana, she always works hard!"
Shine, shine, shine...even though I was a little embarrassed...shine, shine, shine. The class is about 50 minutes so with about 10 minutes left we each picked a spot and kept crossing back and forth the width of the pool. Now if you have too many people in the class it can get tricky not running into each other. Everything was going fine until she had us flip on our backs and paddle backwards. Next thing I know as I turn my head to look back two people are just about to have a head on collision with me! So I figure I'll flip over and go underwater between them, thinking it would be easier for me to try and maneuver. But as I go under and wiggle between Mary and John, guess what I hit with my hand!!!! Naturally John thought that was great and announced it to the whole class and EVERYONE laughed, except me. I was so embarrassed I just wanted to sink like the Titanic. What made it even worse was John wanted to keep swimming by me the rest of the class. I guess that had probably been the most action he'd gotten in a long time.
Will I return...of course. Even though I have almost flashed a man and groped another, I love my class. I think having a younger person in there has brought some excitement to the class, even if it is the wrong kind of excitement.
Love ya
I woke up excited about the day, it was my Water Aerobics Class today. I have been going about six weeks and have thoroughly enjoyed it. Although, when I first checked into the class I was a little apprehensive, you see I'm 48 years old... and the youngest in my class. Now don't get me wrong, I love elderly people, in fact one day I plan on being one, but I wanted to make sure that to get a good workout. Which has honestly been the case, you can work hard or as little as you want. When I first started I felt a little out of place, even a little awkward. I didn't know the movements that our instructor would call out and I even had to be shown a move that I was doing wrong. But after a couple classes I not only got the hang of it, but I became the star pupil. Also the other people in the class, men and women, warmed up to the idea of having a youngster in the class. I love the thought of someone thinking of me as a youngster!! Now with that information you can see why I was excited, it was my time to shine! Well I was running a little late and of course we all know that whenever you run late, anything that can happen, will happen, and that was the case with me today. But I do finally make it and they had already started when I jumped in, but I easily caught up and everything settled down. Now remember I told you that you can work as hard as you want or as little, and when I go I try to work hard. So there I am working hard and just being a shinning example when the instructor said "Anyone who wants to get a good workout, follow Luana, she always works hard!"
Shine, shine, shine...even though I was a little embarrassed...shine, shine, shine. The class is about 50 minutes so with about 10 minutes left we each picked a spot and kept crossing back and forth the width of the pool. Now if you have too many people in the class it can get tricky not running into each other. Everything was going fine until she had us flip on our backs and paddle backwards. Next thing I know as I turn my head to look back two people are just about to have a head on collision with me! So I figure I'll flip over and go underwater between them, thinking it would be easier for me to try and maneuver. But as I go under and wiggle between Mary and John, guess what I hit with my hand!!!! Naturally John thought that was great and announced it to the whole class and EVERYONE laughed, except me. I was so embarrassed I just wanted to sink like the Titanic. What made it even worse was John wanted to keep swimming by me the rest of the class. I guess that had probably been the most action he'd gotten in a long time.
Will I return...of course. Even though I have almost flashed a man and groped another, I love my class. I think having a younger person in there has brought some excitement to the class, even if it is the wrong kind of excitement.
Love ya
Monday, April 26, 2010
My Nuts
You know the old saying "The nut doesn't fall far from the tree", well it is so true. My nuts have both taken an interest in photography. Zach has helped his dad out with various things such as, games, weddings etc..but he really hasn't had the opportunity yet to really figure out who he is or wants to be as photographer. He will get his chance this summer and next school year when he is a photographer for the yearbook. Jessica however has taken a basic photography class and has recently taken some pictures of her friends and even of there babies. She really has an amazing eye for photography. She showed me some of her pictures today and I was so excited for her, she really captured a moment. Isn't that what photography is really about, capturing those moments in time that make us take pause. Our photography studio is our business and honestly we do love it, but for the most part it helps us pay our bills. Recently Dave was driving home and he had to stop, because he saw something that for him, reminded him why he started taking pictures. Even if you're not taking pictures for any other reason then it's our kids, or a family event, when we look back on those pictures years later...it makes us pause. We realize how fast the kids have grown, or how skinny we were back then, we even remember the people we loved and have lost. A picture is our history, a memory, a piece of time.
With all of Jessica's enthusiasm for photography , it has made me want to pick up my camera, look through the lens, and find my moment. I think part of my hesitation has been lack of confidence and fear. What if I try it and I fail, what if nobody likes the pictures I take? But then I also realized that my pictures will be a reflection of who I am, and if nobody likes them but me, that's ok. After all you have to like yourself before anybody else is going to like you, and once you achieve that, it just doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.
So I am making a vow to myself and anybody else that reads this...I will pick up my camera, look through the lens and find myself. Even if nobody else likes them, they will be my piece of time and I know one day I will look back and pause.
With all of Jessica's enthusiasm for photography , it has made me want to pick up my camera, look through the lens, and find my moment. I think part of my hesitation has been lack of confidence and fear. What if I try it and I fail, what if nobody likes the pictures I take? But then I also realized that my pictures will be a reflection of who I am, and if nobody likes them but me, that's ok. After all you have to like yourself before anybody else is going to like you, and once you achieve that, it just doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.
So I am making a vow to myself and anybody else that reads this...I will pick up my camera, look through the lens and find myself. Even if nobody else likes them, they will be my piece of time and I know one day I will look back and pause.
Friday, April 23, 2010
TGIF
Well it's Friday and I am sooo glad. While most people love Friday because they have two days off from work, I'm excited because I get two days off working out. I wish I could be one of those people who love working out, but I have to be honest, at this time in my life...I really hate working out! Yes, I'm glad that I did it after I'm done, but some days getting there is tough. I know that I personally need some variety in my workouts, and I do my water aerobics class on Tuesday, which I do love. But for the last couple weeks I was suppose to start a Yoga class on Thursday, but each week I've gone up to see Jessica. Now I'm not complaining because getting to see my daughter is my favorite thing to do, but I really do need to start going next week.
Speaking of Jessica, I did have a wonderful time with her. She shared an amazing experience with me and to watch and listen to her talk about it is a thrill in it's self. She is so excited about life and her future, which is how it should be. Yet as both of my kids approach the age of independence I can't help but feel a little lost. My roll for the last 22 years has been as their mom and even though I will always be their mom, my duties are changing. I've slowly gone from caretaker to just being there when they need me. I guess I'm kinda like their FOLLOWER, don't worry I won't get started on that again. Yet that is what I do, I follow their facebook pages, twitters, blogs just waiting for a time when they need me. I don't idolize them, but I am very grateful to God for giving me loanership of them. He has worked miracles in each of their lives. I don't want to get too mushy, I'm just trying to figure out the next chapter of my life. Part of that journey has been my weight. If I can get to a healthy weight and get my husband to a healthy weight, then God willing we'll have a lot more chapters in our future. Dave has always said that when we retire we can buy an RV so that we can travel around, of course when he says we he means me and my mother. Which I would love to do some trips with my family, I'll just have to knock him out and pack him in a suitcase to get him there. Don't take it personal family, he would just rather stay home and golf.
Well I've kind of rambled today and talked about several things, but sometimes that is just what life is like, a kaleidoscope of colors. Sometimes one color is more dominant than others or sometimes they just all run into each other. Either way it's all beautiful and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Love ya
Speaking of Jessica, I did have a wonderful time with her. She shared an amazing experience with me and to watch and listen to her talk about it is a thrill in it's self. She is so excited about life and her future, which is how it should be. Yet as both of my kids approach the age of independence I can't help but feel a little lost. My roll for the last 22 years has been as their mom and even though I will always be their mom, my duties are changing. I've slowly gone from caretaker to just being there when they need me. I guess I'm kinda like their FOLLOWER, don't worry I won't get started on that again. Yet that is what I do, I follow their facebook pages, twitters, blogs just waiting for a time when they need me. I don't idolize them, but I am very grateful to God for giving me loanership of them. He has worked miracles in each of their lives. I don't want to get too mushy, I'm just trying to figure out the next chapter of my life. Part of that journey has been my weight. If I can get to a healthy weight and get my husband to a healthy weight, then God willing we'll have a lot more chapters in our future. Dave has always said that when we retire we can buy an RV so that we can travel around, of course when he says we he means me and my mother. Which I would love to do some trips with my family, I'll just have to knock him out and pack him in a suitcase to get him there. Don't take it personal family, he would just rather stay home and golf.
Well I've kind of rambled today and talked about several things, but sometimes that is just what life is like, a kaleidoscope of colors. Sometimes one color is more dominant than others or sometimes they just all run into each other. Either way it's all beautiful and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Love ya
Thursday, April 22, 2010
To FOLLOW or not to FOLLOW
I've been thinking about the word "Followers", as in my blog has few FOLLOWERS. The dictionary's definition is: 1. a person or thing that FOLLOWS. 2. a person who FOLLOWS another in regard to his or her ideas or belief; disciple or adherent. 3. a person who imitates, copies, or takes as a model or ideal. 4. an attendant, servant, or retainer.
Of the four definitions listed, I think that the first one serves my idea of what FOLLOWING a blog means. I suppose that the others are relevant to some people, for instance FOLLOWERS of a religion or even a political party, (Don't worry I won't be discussing politics on my blog.) that seems to fit nicely in with number two.
Number three kind of reminds me of how our society FOLLOWS movie stars or professional athletes. We watch what they do, what they wear, how they wear their hair, shoes, jewelery etc... In fact we FOLLOW them to the point of idolizing them. We must, we pay them ridiculous amounts of money just to entertain us.
Now number four is pretty self explanatory; this is more like a job. These attendants, servants, maids or whatever, are paid to FOLLOW their employers and by FOLLOW I mean drive around, wait on, clean up after, etc. Example of their employers for instance can be the movie stars and professional athletes that we pay ridiculous amounts of money to. Hey here's a thought, maybe if we didn't pay all that money to people that once we put them on that expensive pedestal, they treat us like second class citizens, we could have a little of that money for ourselves, maybe we could even afford a FOLLOWER.
Now I don't want you to think that I'm getting on my soap box, notice it's not the same as a pedestal, because I'm not. I am just trying to make a point...gee I kind of forgot my point.
Oh yea... now I remember, and please know that this comes from the heart and that I am not upset or disappointed in anyone. But do you think I could get some FOLLOWERS?! Of course I mean definition number one of FOLLOWERS, not number three of FOLLOWERS. Unless you want to idolize me, But whatever...no pressure I would just appreciate any FOLLOWERS that I get.
After all that...remember you'll just have to FOLLOW your heart.
Love ya
Of the four definitions listed, I think that the first one serves my idea of what FOLLOWING a blog means. I suppose that the others are relevant to some people, for instance FOLLOWERS of a religion or even a political party, (Don't worry I won't be discussing politics on my blog.) that seems to fit nicely in with number two.
Number three kind of reminds me of how our society FOLLOWS movie stars or professional athletes. We watch what they do, what they wear, how they wear their hair, shoes, jewelery etc... In fact we FOLLOW them to the point of idolizing them. We must, we pay them ridiculous amounts of money just to entertain us.
Now number four is pretty self explanatory; this is more like a job. These attendants, servants, maids or whatever, are paid to FOLLOW their employers and by FOLLOW I mean drive around, wait on, clean up after, etc. Example of their employers for instance can be the movie stars and professional athletes that we pay ridiculous amounts of money to. Hey here's a thought, maybe if we didn't pay all that money to people that once we put them on that expensive pedestal, they treat us like second class citizens, we could have a little of that money for ourselves, maybe we could even afford a FOLLOWER.
Now I don't want you to think that I'm getting on my soap box, notice it's not the same as a pedestal, because I'm not. I am just trying to make a point...gee I kind of forgot my point.
Oh yea... now I remember, and please know that this comes from the heart and that I am not upset or disappointed in anyone. But do you think I could get some FOLLOWERS?! Of course I mean definition number one of FOLLOWERS, not number three of FOLLOWERS. Unless you want to idolize me, But whatever...no pressure I would just appreciate any FOLLOWERS that I get.
After all that...remember you'll just have to FOLLOW your heart.
Love ya
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
ADDICTION!!
I want to take a quick moment and talk about addiction. I think that I have always had an addiction and probably always will, that is just my personality. I also believe that most people have that same trait, it's just stronger in some people. When I was younger there were all sorts of addictions, don't worry I won't go into them , but as of later years most of my focus has been on food. Now let me tell you drugs will kill you, alcohol will kill you, even sex addiction will kill you. So when I say I have a food addiction, most people just sympathize. But I am here to tell you FOOD WILL KILL YOU!! I should know I was almost a victim of food overdose. I was rushed to the doctor, I was rushed to the gym, but in the end they all told me that the only one who could help me was...me. Now as with all addictions, once an addict, always an addict, I struggle with food everyday. I can't walk into a kitchen without the refrigerator taunting me. Or the pantry mocking my choice to walk by without looking in. And hey ever watched TV commercials...Yummy!!! I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night screaming "PLEASE SOMEONE, SUPERSIZE ME!!" Then I wake up and see that someone has already done that. But I will continue to fight the good fight and choose a healthy lifestyle. I know it seems like I was making fun of addictions, but I really wasn't, it's all true, they all will kill you. There in really nothing funny about addiction. Yet if I don't laugh about my addiction, then I guess I might cry about it. Let's see...Laugh...or...Cry...? If given a choice, I'll choose laughter. For one because laughing at myself helps me have an optimistic outlook on my life and choices. It helps me see more positive things about myself, rather than focus on the negative things, also laughter can work muscles...EASY WORKOUT!!! Then secondly if I cry about it all then I end up not leaving my house, I just stay home and sulk. I'm not working out, in fact I answer the calls from my frig and pantry. Plus I end up choking on my tears, which are extremely salty and...well talk about water retention!!! So ya see laughter is a win, win situation.
Love ya all
Love ya all
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Taking a moment to say Hey.
Hey, just want to write a few lines to say Hello. I started my day out with a water aerobic class, which I highly recommend, and then stopped and tanned. I know, I know...tanning is bad for me, but if I don't get just a little base, then when I do go out in the sun I burned like crazy. Which I don't really like to go outside too much because I'm afraid of...BUGS! Yes that's right I'm afraid of bugs, not all bugs but anything that flies, yes that includes birds. Now I know that this is an irrational fear, but never the less it is my irrational fear. Anyway so you can see that if I didn't tan just a little, I would just be out of place in the summer. Besides I always enjoyed the 20 minutes of peace and quiet. It is truly a time that I can ignore my phone and just doze for that short time. Anyway I also wanted to share the fact that I am going to be starting a Yoga class, YEA!!! I'm sure I will be out of place for the first couple times, but I am excited about trying it. They say it will increase your core strength and that is exactly what I need.
Well I guess it is time to say goodbye, but for those of you who follow me, like I have soooo many followers, and don't really know me I just want to stress that I am not some phobic, albino, fat chick, cause I'm not. I'm a phobic, now tan, plump chick! See you soon.
Well I guess it is time to say goodbye, but for those of you who follow me, like I have soooo many followers, and don't really know me I just want to stress that I am not some phobic, albino, fat chick, cause I'm not. I'm a phobic, now tan, plump chick! See you soon.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Shopping???
Well I finally went shopping for my new lifestyle change, and it was harder than I thought. First I had to drive for two hours just to get to the closet healthy grocery store, then I walked in with my list and froze. I just didn't know what to buy. Alot of the things on the list came from my book, but considering the fact that I don't really even cook, my husband does it, I just went blank. Where was the Ragu, the Hamburger Helper ( I mean the Tofu Helper), or the frozen lasagna!! I must have walked around that store for 30 minutes before I put anything in my cart. Finally I decided to ask for help and a couple employees took the time to help me out. I still don't know if I have all the food I need to make healthy meals, but at least I can eat more than Taco Bell burritos. I think the key to this diet becoming long term is the putting all the different things together in an appealing meal. My husband has no idea what to do with everything I bought, so I guess I am on my own. I will either figure it out or become a Taco Bell regular. Wish me luck!!!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Road to Nowhere.
Have you ever noticed that when you're going somewhere how excited you are. And that getting there just seems to fly by, and that because you're so excited about this journey the small things just don't bother you as much. But then the ride home is a totally different story, it's slow, boring and everything seems to get on your nerves. Well that is how my weight journey has been, gaining weight was so easy. Eating just made me happy, nothing bothered me, just give me some Ben and Jerry's Phish Food Ice Cream and I was a happy camper. But now the road to weight lose is one long , windy, hilly road. Plus there are a million detours!!! I swear I will never reach my destination and even though I am making slow progress, at least it's progress. I just want to get off this slow road and hit the highway, but unfortunately that is just not going to happen. I lost 8lbs this month and you would think I would be jumping up and down for joy, but instead I was so disappointed. "Only 8 lbs?! Are you sure? Maybe we should re-check it! I think your scale weighs heavier than mine at home, you should get that checked." I was so upset that I just wanted some comfort food, but that is what got me on this dark and lonely road, so I declined Ben and Jerry's offer. Instead I will just pat myself on the back and stay on course to make my way back home and if I'm lucky the detours will be few and far between. Now if I could just continue to ingnore those calls from Aunt Jemimah, she can be so pushy.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I'm back!!!
Well, I know it's been forever since I sat down and journaled, but my life has gone a complete 360 degree change. Not only have I been exercising regularly, but I have also made a huge lifestyle change. I have decided to go Vegan! Now I know what you're thinking..."are you crazy!!!" but I did not just come by this decision easily, I put a lot of thought into it. Also this decision was not motivated by weight lose, although that is a great benefit. No I made the decision after watching the movie Food Inc., which I highly recommend to everyone. It was then that I realized that ignorance is not bliss, it's just plain ignorant! I have for so long gone with the theory that if I didn't know about it than it wouldn't hurt me. But that movie opened my eyes to not only how the food industry has become nothing but a bunch of bullies, but to how easy it is for people to forget their compassion for animals. It made me sad to think that we as human beings feel so superior to animals, including cows, pigs, chickens and cats and dogs. The humane society is so over-crowded because people think it's just ok to drop off pets that either they tire of or they get sick and they don't want pay for medical bills. Then to watch how cows, pigs and chickens are treated like an object not a living breathing beings. Plus the drugs that are pumped into these animals to make bigger pieces of meat, remember we will in a society that everyone thinks bigger is better. I just could no longer in good conscience continue to support the people that run these slaughter houses. I received a booklet from PETA that was about eating vegetarian and the stories in there made me cry. I literally mean I cried through the entire booklet. So here I am, embarking on a journey that I really know nothing about. I read the book, The Kind Diet and loved it. I encourage everyone to be informed about the food we eat. It will change your life.
Well wish me luck and I will keep everyone up on my progress.
Well wish me luck and I will keep everyone up on my progress.
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