Sugar and Spice and Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

Tonight as I sit down to blog, it is because I am filled with emotion that has no where to go.  It just mounts up inside and then it's like a volcano as it errupts and bubbles over.  I wanted to blog about sons, which is something that has been on my mind for the past few days, but tonight, I want to bring daughters up too.  But first let me start with sons; 

I'll never forget the day that we found out that we were having a boy.  Dave and I were brimming with excitement, we already had a girl, so this would round our family out perfectly.  Of course Jessica didn't exactly feel the same way, she cried and cried.  She wanted a sister, someone  to play school and dress up with, a friend.  Little did she know that one day her brother would become her best friend.  I remember worrying that I wouldn't be capable of loving another child as much as I loved Jessica, but the moment he was born I knew my heart would always be big enough.   Zach and I were inseparable, he was a momma's boy for sure.  I would look at him and my heart would melt, he could make me laugh one second and cry the next.  Of course he loved to irritate his sister and she loved to tell on him, but all in all life was good.  David kept telling me that I should enjoy him while I can, cause one day, he wouldn't be my little boy, but Dave just didn't know the connection that Zach and I had.  But he was right, one day came and  Zach grew up.  He grew closer to his dad and he and his sister finally became best friends, but as for me, well I was now the enemy.  He looked at me with such contempt, it was as if I had dreamed the first 12 years of his life.  No matter what I did or how hard I tried, he wanted nothing to do with me.  If I even came close to him, he would step back, like I had the plague.  I can't tell you the nights that I would lie in bed and cry myself to sleep.  I knew he wasn't my little boy anymore, but I was still his mother, I would lay my life down for my kids, yet to Zach I was the thing he despised.  Of course it has gotten better with time, he is turning 18 this week and has turned into a wonderful young man.  Someone I am so proud of, he is who I always dreamed he would be.  Yet I still occasionally catch that look in his eyes, the look that cuts me deep to the core.  I know that one day he will look at me with love and respect, but it still is not quite there.  When we are alone together the silence is deafening.  He is still the one person who can make me laugh one second...and cry the next.  As I was reflecting on this I am reminded of how much God loves us, yet we continue to ignore and disappoint him.  But he never gives up on us, his love is steadfast, and as Zach reminded us in church today, never changing.  So I am still waiting for the tears of sadness to be replaced with tears of laughter,   I am patient and I will never give up, I am his mother and he is my son. 

Jessica on the other hand is my little rainbow, beautiful with lots of different colors, and full of promise.  But we all know that to get a rainbow there has to be a little rain.  Most of Jessica's rain comes  from people in her life that have disappointed her.  When she was younger not much kept her down, she has a way of bringing light into almost any situation.  I believe it is a gift from God.  Her smile can make even the darkest days seem brighter.  There have been only a few people in her life that have been able to dim her light, and even then, they may dim it for a while, but it will never go out.  She brings more glory to God than anyone I know.  As she gets older I see her looking for that one person to share her life with, not that she's ready to get married, yet she is ready to find  "him."  Some of that stems from her friends finding boyfriends, getting married and having babies.  I understand that, I remember being her age and feeling....ready.  I guess I just want her to not rush it.  God will bring her someone that is just perfect for her, and it will be in His timing.  Sometimes when we rush things, we find ourselves out of God's will for us.  I know that someday soon, she is going to find that one person that takes her breath away, and he will look at her as if she was the only person in the room.  He will be the man in her dreams that was always there, yet she couldn't  quiet see his face.  It will be then that all those other rain storms will reveal their purpose, cause every person in our lives teaches us something, and in every persons life, some rain must fall.  But after the rain comes the rainbow, beautiful, bright and full of different colors.  Sound familiar? 

I love my kids and feel honoured that God gave me loaner ship of them, and with good comes some bad.  But I would not trade one moment of their lives for anything.  I know all this sounds a little corny, but really when it comes to our kids aren't we all a little corny?  I really don't know the point to this whole blog other than, like I said, I was overflowing.  Maybe this will help a mother struggling with some of the same problems, and maybe Jessica will read this and know how much I love and admire her.  Either way I feel better just getting it all off my chest.  So here's to tears of joy and beautiful rainbows. 

See ya next time.

God is Amazing!

Wow, it seems like forever since I've blogged, and so  much has happened in that time-span that it would take me several blogs to cover everything.  So I'm not going to hash over things of the past few weeks.  Although I will tell you that we, my kids and husband, just got back from Clearwater Florida.  I don't know if words have been invented to describe just how beautiful it is down there.  There were moments that I just sat in awe, how anyone could doubt God's existence and look at the beauty there, is just beyond me.  I packed my Ipod so that I could lay on the beach and listen to relaxing music, except whats more relaxing than the sound of the waves splashing on the shore.  So I never even took my Ipod out once, I just enjoyed God's music.  I was born and raised in Colorado, another beautiful state, but I think that I was born to live on the beach. 

We set up our cabana so that when you needed shade, you could sit under it, so after getting my share of sun, I would just lay under the cabana, on a blanket and I swear to you, the world stood still.  My thoughts became clearer, my worries disappeared, and my time with God became more personal.  I really can't explain why, except that God opened all my senses to be more aware of His Love for me and this world.  That's not to say that once home all that was just gone, of course they were there, just not as clear. 
I guess vacations are meant for relaxing and forgetting, but maybe we should listen to ourselves.  If we feel closer to God and are more in touch with our selves on the beach, maybe we should find a way to move closer to that.  I for one would have no problem picking up and moving to the beach.  I know that there is problems there too, but for me, if I got overwhelmed with stress I could just spend an hour or two on the beach and clear my head.  I am so grateful for the time that I had there and don't want to sound unhappy to be home, but I am unhappy to be home, remember I live in Missouri.  There is nothing about this state that I love, other than my family. 
 It always takes me a while to accept the fact that I'm back in Misery, and the sad thing is that I will eventually give up on hope and take a back seat to hopelessness.  As you can tell I'm still in my hope mode, soon enough you'll hear me hop in the back seat.  I will grieve the loss and you will grieve with me, because you all love me, but then I'll hop into anger and then eventually  slide over into acceptance.  
 I just need to win the lottery so that I could move my family back to the beach.  I mean my whole family, Dave, Jess, Zach, mom, pooh, Donnie, Mike, Nick, Hunter, Gary, McKenna, Garrett, (we would leave the witch behind. lol!)( I was kind with the witch comment,)  Wouldn't life me grand!   But until I win the lottery, we are where we are.  I love you all and wish we all could have been laying on the beach appreciating God...one day.